It's hard to get my story out there, but I just want to share it because the situation is driving me crazy. I'm 28 years old, a mother of four children, and my partner and I have been together for almost 5 years. He's been abroad for two years to work. Right from the start, I admit, it was wrong because he was already a womanizer when we first became BF/GF. He was creating dummy accounts to talk to other people. My friends caught him and it almost ruined our relationship. But because I love him and I have hope, I still forgave him.
Because of the pain, I retaliated. I also talked to another man using my account, I even intentionally let him see it so he could feel the pain he caused me. He was so angry at that time, he even broke his phone in front of me. That's when I got scared and since then, I haven't done it again. But him? He didn't stop. Every time I got pregnant, it was almost just a result of our fighting and jealousy.
When he went abroad, I thought our lives would be going well because I sacrificed that he would work for our future. But while he was away, I learned more about the truth. I caught him in his email talking to another woman. What was even more painful was that something had happened between them. I almost went crazy because I thought it was just a chat, but it wasn't. It turned out that he was in a relationship and that he had been cheating on me for a long time.
It came to a point where I gave in. I talked to another man again, and in my anger and sadness, something happened to us. Until I got pregnant by that man. We didn't want to be together, and I didn't want him to be responsible for me either. So I decided, to give the child up for adoption from afar. It was heavy on my chest but I had no choice.
While I made a mistake once, he continued to play womanizer. He promised to divorce his woman abroad but he didn't keep it. Every day, our relationship is filled with scolding, fighting, and anger. He says he's just paying the woman, but no matter what he explains, I can't believe it anymore.
The most painful thing is, I don't have any money of my own because he wants me to focus on our children. He is the one who provides, but he uses it to make me look useless. Sometimes I almost don't eat because of what he says. It's gotten to the point where I only eat with my relative because I get so hurt by his words. The pain is because instead of him picking me up, he puts me down.
Now, my only dream is to go abroad. I want to get out of our toxic relationship and have my own savings for my children. But I feel sorry for them because they are still young and might struggle if I leave them. My mind is so confused every day—should I choose my freedom or should I just endure it for them?
So the only thing I can do is pray. I hope the day comes when we can get up. I hope I can get out of this situation and give my children a better life. I don't know how much longer I can take it, but I'm trying to fight every day for them.
