The truth is, I don't know how to love anymore. I've been alone for so long, and I feel like I'm used to not having anyone in my life. Now, suddenly someone has arrived, but I'm afraid of how to deal with it.
I’m 32 years old, and I’ve never really had a boyfriend. I’m used to being alone, thinking only about myself. Always work, always friends, always family. Never really been in a serious relationship. Until I met this 47-year-old foreigner on a dating app. We’ve been talking for almost two months, we’re still in the getting-to-know stage, but I feel like he’s a good person. He has qualities that I’ve wanted and been looking for for a long time.
He said he was in love with me. Not just once, but several times he confirmed his feelings. He always said he needed someone like me—someone with strong values, who knew how to care, and who was true. He also always made me feel important, that I was appreciated, and that I was not invisible. He had plans, and he always said that if we were really together, he wanted to include me in his goals in life. He said he was ready to talk to my family, anytime I wanted. That's where I was especially touched because he wasn't in a hurry, he wasn't nagging—but he was patient and willing to wait.
But I'm poor. Because I'm introverted, very protective of myself. I always think of the worst-case scenario. I always have doubts, and I always wonder if my feelings are real or if I'm just overwhelmed by his effort and sweetness. I don't know if I love him too or maybe I'm just too embarrassed to reject all his efforts. Because honestly, it's like I've forgotten how to love.
I'm used to being alone. I'm used to coming home alone, eating alone, and sleeping alone. Even when I go out, it's usually just with my friends. I never thought that a time would come when someone would come in and want to include me in their life. So now, while he's here and showing his love, I'm panicking and scared.
There are days when I want to accept him completely, because I feel like he's sincere. But there are also days when I feel like I want to push him away because I don't know how to deal with him. It's hard when you're used to being alone. It's like not loving has become my protection, so I don't get hurt. But every time I remember him leaving or missing for a while, there's still a pain in my heart.
Maybe it's just hard to accept that maybe the right person might come along, but I'm the one who's afraid to embrace him. I don't know if I'm ready to love, but I'm sure there's a part of my heart that wants to try. Even though I'm scared, I still hope that maybe he's the person I've been waiting for for a long time.
