I'm Luring, in my 30s and still single. I'm often asked why I'm still single, especially since I'm never short of lovers. But the truth is, I'm the one avoiding them. Not because I don't like them, but because there's a part of my past that I'm trying to hide.
When I was just 22 years old, my first boyfriend got me pregnant. I truly loved him, but in the end he cheated on me and chose to marry someone else. There was no certainty, no goodbye—he left me alone, pregnant and in tears. I gave my child to my older brother, and to this day he is recognized as the father of the child. None of our family or friends questioned or judged. They accepted the situation, but in my heart, everything remained heavy.
Since then, I've been afraid to fall in love again. No matter how many times I've been courted, I've always rejected them. Not because I don't have feelings, but because I'm afraid they'll find out the truth. I'm afraid of being judged, or worse, that they might leave me if they find out I have a child, even if it's not with me.
I haven't run out of hope either. There are men who are happy with me, who make me feel like I have real intentions. And on some occasions, there are some who I would have liked too. But every time I think about the day when they might ask about me, I immediately back off. I baste them even though I don't want to, because I'd rather be the first to walk away than be the one left when they find out the truth.
My friends say, I should give myself a chance to be happy. They say I shouldn't lock myself up in fear for the rest of my life. What they say is true. In the past few days, I've been thinking... I want to have my own family too. I want to love and be loved back. But I don't know how to start.
So now, this is my decision: I will no longer hide the truth. I will no longer be ashamed of my past. Yes, I have a child. Yes, I have been hurt. But I have also learned to be strong, and I am ready to try again. If someone comes into my life who will accept the whole me—including my yesterday—I know they are the one who deserves it. Not because I am perfect, but because I am real.
To all women like me, don't be afraid of the past. That is not the measure of our worth. What matters is how we rise and how we choose to love fully and truly, despite the pain.
Now that I'm ready to start over, I hope someone will come along who isn't afraid of the truth, but is willing to embrace it—because that includes the real me.
