The truth is, I'm so tired. Not just because of my body, but also my mind and heart. We've been married for seven years but until now, we still don't have a child. With each passing year, I get more and more nervous. I get more and more afraid, because I don't know what the real problem is.
I thought when we got married, our lives would be happy. We would have our own family, there would be laughter at home, and I would hear the call “Mom.” But that didn’t happen. And instead of supporting me, my husband blamed me. It was so painful to hear him say, “I wish I had left you long ago.” It felt like I was no longer useful to him because I couldn’t give him a child.
I'm even more hurt because even his family hates me. I'm no longer welcome with them. There are times when I feel their gazes—it's as if their eyes are saying that it's my fault why they don't have grandchildren yet. They don't say anything to his face, but I can feel it. And sometimes, my husband even says that he's ashamed of his family because we don't have children yet.
My question is, is this my fault? I don't know if it's me or him. But honestly, he doesn't want to see a doctor. I've asked him several times to get checked out. Not to find out who's infertile, but to see if we still have hope. So that if there's something that needs to be treated, we can do it while there's still time. But he doesn't want to. He always says, "I don't have a problem." And that's what scares me the most, because what if he's the one with the problem and he doesn't want to admit it?
This is very heavy for me. I want to feel like we are in this fight together. That I am not the only one hoping, but both of us. But sometimes I feel like I am fighting alone. I always wonder, why is this? Why does it seem like I am the only one who wants to do something?
I know that having a child does not depend on just one person. There are couples who are both healthy, but still cannot have children. There are many reasons—stress, lifestyle, age, or sometimes, fate simply does not give them. So there is no need to blame. But why is that? Why does it seem like I am the only one to blame?
Now, I'm wondering: how long can I endure? I love him, yes. But I also love myself. I don't know if I can endure this kind of pain every day. I don't want to get to the point where I lose respect for myself. So now, I'm trying to take care of myself. I pray that he will change. That he will see that understanding is more important than blaming.
Even if we don't have children, I hope I can feel that he still loves me even though I can't give him a child. Because marriage isn't just about having children. It's about love and cooperation.
But sometimes, I can't help but ask: How long can I fight for a relationship that I'm the only one fighting for?
