The truth is, I'm tired. I still love him, but I don't know if that love is enough to continue our relationship. At first, we were happy, but it gradually became toxic because we both made mistakes. I admit, I sought attention from other men before, because I felt like I was lacking the time and love from him. He forgave me, but since then, it seems like he always has something against me.
The hard part is... when he's with his friends, he's able to make time for them. They're always drinking, riding, and almost all of his friends have partners—but he just leaves me behind. He doesn't take me with him, and it's like I have no place in his world. What's worse, he doesn't introduce me to his family and friends. It's like I'm just a secret in his life. At work, I'm a regular, but when it comes to him, I feel like I'm worthless.
I'll admit it again—I sought attention from others, but in the end, I still loved him. That's why I accepted that even though he kept bringing up my mistakes every time we had a fight. He always used my mistakes against me to get what he wanted. Even though I explained that I wouldn't do it again, he wouldn't listen. That's why I feel like, I'm always wrong and I'm always lacking.
Now, I'm confused. Should I keep fighting or just give up? I love him, but sometimes I wonder if he really still loves me. If he forgave me, why does it seem like he still doesn't trust and respect me? Why does it seem like he only uses me when it's convenient? It hurts to think that I might be the only one holding on while he, little by little, is letting go.
The hardest thing is, he doesn't let me know what he's doing anymore. It's as if he doesn't care about my feelings. I can see that the respect in our relationship is disappearing, and no matter how hard I try, it doesn't seem like it's enough. I love him, but maybe it's not right for me to love him anymore if the price is pain and fatigue.
Thank you for reading. I can't tell anyone, so I'm just pouring it out here. Hopefully one day, I'll see my worth too, even if not to him. 😢
