Hi, I just want to vent all the weight I'm carrying right now. I don't know where to start, but I hope you finish reading this.
I'm Anna, 19 years old. I have an ex who is also my age, let's just call him Jake, also 19 years old. Our birthdays are almost consecutive—mine is September 21 and his is September 23. Honestly, I never thought we would have a story like this. Right from the start, he was so kind, he was a green flag in every way. Even when we were just in the fling stage, I could feel his effort and care.
He was my classmate in Junior High School but we weren't close then. We only had a chance to talk during the pandemic. That's when we started being on and off, no labels, no clarity, but he was always there somehow. Until the time came when I felt like I was happier when I talked to him.
Fast forward, when I was in Grade 12, I was studying in a different school but suddenly we started talking again. That's when the feeling started that maybe we could really be together. But it wasn't that easy. One day, I found out that he was talking to another girl—not just one but five. My friend said that I was the "original fling," and there was evidence. It hurt, a lot. But you know when you love that person so much that no matter how much it hurts, you can swallow it? That's what I did. I forgave him right away because I love him and I'm used to him being there.
I also became close to his family. When he graduated, he introduced me to them. I felt so relieved, especially with his mom, she was like my second mom. I was so happy at that time, because I thought maybe we would finally be together.
Pero eto yung pinakamalaking pagkakamali ng buhay ko: gumanti ako. Noong October, napuno ako ng emosyon, galit, at selos. Nag-cheat ako kay Jake gamit ang classmate ko. Alam kong mali, sobrang mali. Akala ko mapapatawad niya rin ako gaya ng pagpapatawad ko sa kanya noon, pero mali ako. Hindi niya ako pinatawad at bigla kaming naghiwalay. Walang closure, walang second chance.
After that, I tried to stand by what I had done. I talked to my classmate for a few months, but that stopped after two months. No matter what I did, I still couldn't forget her. To this day, I still love her very much. And I was even more devastated when I found out that she was with someone new—and it hurt even more because I still knew the girl.
I know, it's all my fault. If I could just turn back time, I wouldn't have done it. Now, I'm thinking that maybe I should just move on if that's what's best for him and for me. But in my heart, if there really is a second chance, I'll do everything to right my wrongs. I'll show him that I can be enough for him and that I won't hurt him again.
I don't know how to start moving on. I don't even know if he'll even hear this. But one thing is for sure: I still love Jake so much even though I was the one who made the mistake. And that's what hurts the most.
