The hard part is when you gradually realize that you no longer feel the same way about someone you've been friends with for a long time. To be honest, I didn't plan it. There was never a moment where I suddenly looked at him and thought, "Hey, I like him." Nothing. It just seemed to come gradually. It felt like a weight was slowly building in my chest, but I couldn't say it.
We grew up together. Even in grade school, we were in almost every section together. I know how naughty he is, how he smiles, how he gets angry, and how kind he is to the people he cares about. But now in high school, we are in different sections. We are just schoolmates, but even so, we still often chat, laugh about simple things, and say hello when we have time.
But lately, I've noticed that she's changing. She's becoming more attractive in my eyes. She's gone white, she's gotten taller, and her hair is long—I can't explain it, but she's even more beautiful. She's like the version of my best friend that I didn't expect but I want to get to know better.
The problem is, I'm scared. I'm scared that if I admit my feelings, everything will be lost. Maybe he'll change. Maybe he won't be as open with me as he used to be. Maybe the closeness that we've built over the years will be gone. I don't want to be the reason for that to be broken. So, I'll just keep quiet.
Sometimes I think, “What if there’s a chance?” Because there are days when he acts different. It’s like there are subtle signs that he might like me too. But maybe that’s just me. Maybe I’m just hoping too much. I don’t want to hope, but I want to believe that it’s possible. I want to think that there’s a possibility that we could be more than friends.
There are nights when I want to message him and confess everything. But something always stops me. There are so many "what if..." thoughts in my mind. What if he's not ready? What if he doesn't want me? What if he disappears? And with every "what if," I choose to just keep quiet and hide everything.
But now, I'm writing this because I just want to get it out. I don't know if anyone will read this, but at least it feels good to say it. Yes, I'm in love with my best friend. And even though I can't tell her yet, I hope that one day, I'll have the courage to do so.
And if that day ever comes, I hope it's not too late. I hope he's still there. I hope I'm still the person he can talk to at any time. And I hope... there's still hope.
