It's hard to express my feelings, but maybe this is the way to ease the weight on my chest. I am 23 years old, working and working regularly. Last month, a suitor who is 31 years old, a teacher, came into my life. At first, almost every woman would envy my situation because she seemed to be the definition of green flag.
He's very caring, sweet, and puts in a lot of effort. In chat, I can feel his presence. In person, he never fails—he always picks me up after work, even when he's tired. He even introduces me to his family, and takes me on walks with them. It even got to the point where he makes surprise visits, which is really the kind of effort. That's when I felt like he might be the man for me. It's like I have complete trust in him.
But one day, everything suddenly changed. He had a cold for a week. He wasn't the same as before. The constant good morning chats were gone, the sweet attention was gone. I thought maybe he was just tired or busy with his job as a teacher. But as the days passed, I became more and more nervous because I felt something was wrong.
Until the day I least expected it came. I found out that he was still talking to his ex. It was like heaven and earth fell on me. In my mind, how could he do that? Why did he have to put in so much effort to court me when his heart wasn't really whole for me? When I asked him about it, he didn't have a clear answer. He couldn't explain it. And that's when I felt the deepest pain—not because he was talking to his ex, but because he didn't choose me to be honest.
The question I ask myself until now: What is going through the mind of a man who puts all his effort into a new woman but still holds on to the past? Why would you show so much effort, care, and love if you're not whole yet? Isn't it more painful to have to hope and then in the end, I'll be the one who gets hurt?
It hurts so much because I gave away my trust and time. I didn't look for too much, all I wanted was honesty and respect. If he had told me the truth from the beginning, I might have accepted it more easily. But I didn't get the closure I was looking for. I was left wondering—am I just a filler? Am I filling up his time while he's not ready to move on?
Sometimes, I think that maybe I was the one who was wrong. Maybe I was too quick to trust. But honestly, I don't regret anything because I was true to myself. The only mistake I made was choosing to trust someone who wasn't ready to be whole for me.
Now, I choose to take care of myself. I will no longer force an answer that may never come. I no longer want to chase closure that may never exist. All I can do is move forward and pray that one day, someone will come along who will never look back on the past. Someone who has a whole heart and is ready to give me the love I deserve.
And to him… I hope he learns to appreciate someone who is willing to love faithfully. I hope, before he loves again, he makes sure he can leave his ex in the past. Because it hurts to love someone with a broken heart.
Until now, I still carry the pain. But I also carry the strength that even though he left me without an answer, I can stand alone. And for myself, that is the closure that I chose to make.
