There was a man I loved—a Chinese man who went through great trials. He spent several years in prison, and the first time we met after his release, we immediately bonded. We have been together for over a year since then.
When he was gone, I stayed by his side. He has no money, he has no decent job, and he has no choice but to engage in illegal activities to survive. Until a time came when everything suddenly changed—he became successful and rich. But at the same time, his world shrunk. It was as if he had become a "living dead," and I had become his eyes, hands, and feet. Everything he does, I support. I obey, submit, and give everything for him.
But in spite of everything, he still managed to blame me for the problems he himself caused. We were always fighting, and he never gave me willingly—there was no willingly giving money or anything, so I learned to just take it from him. He repeatedly hurt me, and every time I tried to explain, he immediately got angry, as if I was the problem in our relationship. He changed me, and in my anger, I thought of retaliating by spending his money on anything I could think of. But even then, I never thought that it was my fault that he was running out of money. I tried to convince him to build a business so he could have a long-term income, but he didn't listen. He doesn't trust anyone, and now, he blames me for losing his money.
I admit that I was wrong in some things, but don't I deserve to receive at least some amount from him? He can spend on others to show he's the "boss," but to me, it seems like a penny is a big deal. He doesn't think about how much he lost gambling. Today, I want to show him how much I endured and how much sacrifice I made for him. But he doesn't see it. I feel like he's leaving me in the air—worthless, unheard of, and just like nothing in his life.
I want to reciprocate. I want to make him feel the pain I feel. But I don't have the courage to do it. He treats me like I'm worthless, like trash, and he always tells me that I'm worthless without him. All the hurtful words he said to me left a lot of anger and resentment in my heart.
I don't know what I might end up doing. Now, I'm full of resentment, and I'm afraid I might lose control of myself and do something I'll regret for the rest of my life.
